How to troll

MIDI Life Crisis · Post by **MIDI Life Crisis** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 9:10 am

1 - If you're starting a new thread as a troll, it's best to start with a hyperbolic claim right in the title, such as:

MOTU closes their doors, website down!

New version of DP hoses your Mac

Science proves PT better than DP

Or just adapt any headline from the National Enquirer. What's most important is to start a discussion (or better yet, a rumor) that something terrible has happened.

One of the great parts of being a troll is being the harbinger of bad news. It's always best to make your first post on a board kind of crazy and über hyperbolic, so you can be sure to get some attention and action right away.

2 - If you're entering mid-thread, make a remark about how wrong someone else is and then state what a pro YOU are. It helps to add that you've used DP since its early releases (even if you haven't), that you've been "in the business" a long time and how many big stars you've worked with.

3 - Add a personal attack, or better yet, turn ANY observation by ANY member on any topic into a perceived attack on YOURSELF. Become the wounded party while maintaining your innocence. Don't back down! Trolling is all about your needing to "be right" even at the cost of looking like an ass. Remember: even helpful comments by others can be used as ammo against the posting member!

4 - Show your disgust! When you start to loose the argument, double down. You MUST be right and just say the other folks posting are idiots and you won't bother talking to them any more. You're "so done" wasting your time with them. It's passive-aggressive at its best! Threaten to take your football home!

5 - And finally, if all else fails in getting you the attention and actual power you so sorely lack in your real world, attack the board your posting on.

This is fail proof! Start with the membership in general. Tell how they only come to that board to praise a product and any criticism is banned and deleted. Call them fanboys! Claim the board is secretly run by corporate overlords. Dig in to your best conspiracy theories an adapt them to fit the occasion.

Make suggestions on how the board can be improved or how it's not performing technically on par with some other boards you troll...um... frequent.

As a last resort, take a few pot shots at the boards owner. Clearly he/she doesn't care a lick about how the board functions. They're just devoting their time and money as an ego boost and YOUR roll is to expose them for their folly, lack of technical savvy, and most of all their unprofessionalism.

That's really about it. For added enjoyment you might try posting in your underwear or at Starbucks, where you'll look like you're being a productive member of society. Above all, remember the motto of all trolls: Duh!

Phil O · Post by **Phil O** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 9:33 am

Ouch, MLC. Don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel.

But honestly, you're just stating what we all feel. Can I buy you a beer?

Phil

MIDI Life Crisis · Post by **MIDI Life Crisis** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 9:41 am

Are you calling me an alcoholic?

See how it works?

Oh, BTW, believe me when I tell you: I AM holding back!

Oh wait! Was my initial post on this topic trolling? Ha ha ha! Trolling for trolls.

Phil O · Post by **Phil O** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 10:28 am

Perfect response!

MIDI Life Crisis · Post by **MIDI Life Crisis** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 10:31 am

You don't have to get snippy! LOL

cuttime · Post by **cuttime** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 10:37 am

"The Pocket Guide to Fighting with Idiots on the Internet" (NSFW)...and no, MLC, I'm not calling you an idiot!

HCMarkus · Post by **HCMarkus** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 11:13 am

MIDI Life Crisis wrote:Are you calling me an alcoholic?

No, I'm calling you a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

MIDI Life Crisis · Post by **MIDI Life Crisis** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 11:15 am

HCMarkus wrote:
MIDI Life Crisis wrote:Are you calling me an alcoholic?
No, I'm calling you a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

As soon as I can take a single step I'll see if I can get to step 2.

Phil O · Post by **Phil O** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 1:05 pm

HCMarkus wrote:
MIDI Life Crisis wrote:Are you calling me an alcoholic?
No, I'm calling you a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Exactly. That's why I asked if we could meet for a beer.

...and don't forget the pancakes. Frodo?

Good god. I hope this is in the off-topic section.

MIDI Life Crisis · Post by **MIDI Life Crisis** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 1:31 pm

Of course it's in the o/t section! BTW, I just saw Frodo this morning and just as soon he popped on The Ring and was off on another adventure!

I just wish one of the trolls would weigh in defending the practices...

mhschmieder · Post by **mhschmieder** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 1:45 pm

Aren't we supposed to pay the troll a toll when we cross "that bridge"?

MIDI Life Crisis · Post by **MIDI Life Crisis** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 1:57 pm

Depends. What's your favorite color?

MIDI Life Crisis · Post by **MIDI Life Crisis** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 4:48 pm

Addendum: Pick a feature, any feature, and say why it should or should't be in DP. Wait for someone, anyone, to disagree with you. Then explain ad nauseam how no one understands what a workflow is, or how one is supposed to use the app, or how tough it is for you to work under these circumstances. By all means, refer them back to your original trolling post and insist they haven't read it, or if they did, they didn't understand it. Rinse. Repeat.

Robert Randolph · Post by **Robert Randolph** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 5:26 pm

MIDI Life Crisis wrote:Addendum: Pick a feature, any feature, and say why it should or should't be in DP. Wait for someone, anyone, to disagree with you. Then explain ad nauseam how no one understands what a workflow is, or how one is supposed to use the app, or how tough it is for you to work under these circumstances. By all means, refer them back to your original trolling post and insist they haven't read it, or if they did, they didn't understand it. Rinse. Repeat.

How do you even come up with this stuff?

MIDI Life Crisis · Post by **MIDI Life Crisis** » Sat Jul 25, 2015 5:31 pm

Observation

MOTUnation.com

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