Uncomfortable calling myself a "composer".

[Mr. Quimper]

I come from a visual arts background. I've spent the majority of my life cultivating skills as an illustrator, not a musician. Something happened around the time I turned 20 and before I knew it I ended up with two degrees in Sound Design and had scored/done post sound on over a dozen short films. Now that I've finished my education, I'm having to advertise myself to prospective clients/employers and am having a hard time calling myself a "composer", because I'm really not; well not a good one in a classical sense anyway. I've taken rudimentary classes on music theory and know all the basics, but my sight reading is horrible, I'm an average player, and as a long-time music enthusiast of all genres I'm painfully aware that in the grand scheme of things my music just isn't that good.

The problem is, I enjoy doing it and people keep asking me to score their films. It's a conundrum. I lack any confidence in my abilities or my work, but other people seem to enjoy it well enough (non-musicians though they are) and I can't help but feel that they just aren't aware of how bad I am and that I'm just swindling them somehow and that eventually someone will find out that I'm really not that good.

To my credit, I'm not a complete hack: I don't use loops or plagiarize other people's work; but I still know that compared to the vast majority of "real composers" and the majority of people on this board my skills are mediocre at best. I'm much more confident as a sound designer/synth programmer/sound editor & mixer, etc (as per my education)...but I still have that urge to create music as well, and having done the work, I can't ignore it and not include it in my resume/demo reel, etc.

I know the best way to resolve this would be to study and get better to a point at which I felt more confident, but I spend so much time just doing the work that I can't find the time to practice for practice's sake or really sit down and study w/ books, etc. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but any advice would be appreciated!

[Frodo]

First of all, don't take what paying clients appreciate about you for granted. The right man for the job is not always the next Bernstein, no matter what that means.

If you have aspirations apart from that which is asked of you, then you should make time to cultivate those interests and curiosities to your own satisfaction.

But you do what you do. On some level, accept that as "enough". The rest is gravy.

"Composer"....wee-hee. What does that mean? Are you a pencil/paper purist who happens to have a computer, or are you a person who just creates-- being creative with whatever tools he has in front of him?

Why are you "uncomfortable" calling yourself a film composer if you've been composing for film? You've fulfilled the public definition. Do you have personal ambitions for being a film composer which go beyond the definition of that which you've established within the realm of previous clients?

Shakespeare said it--- "a rose by any other name..."


As long as others are writing checks, you can cry all the way to the bank.

But...

What do YOU want?

Have you considered a 10-year plan for yourself? Where do you see yourself 10 years from now? What do you want to do?

If money or eventualities were no object, what do you ultimately want to do with your life?

John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Randy Newman, Luciano Pavarotti--- they all had one thing in common. Can you guess?

Did not read music.

So, perhaps it's time to redefine success.

What do YOU want to be remembered for after you're "gone"?

[HCMarkus]

Mr. Q:

Self-doubt is merely a reflection of introspection. Keep it in balance by remembering you are not alone in your quest, and many other thoughtful folk are renowned for their amazing achievements, not their admitted imperfections. And be glad you are not a bone-headed dolt blundering about without concern or understanding. You are a composer, not a used car salesman, thank God!

PS: If you feel like you are swindling your clients, maybe you need to charge MORE and use the extra income to buy some really expensive preamps with heavy machined knobs so they'll KNOW they're getting their money's worth.

[Mr_Clifford]

I took great comfort when Hans Zimmer, in an interview around the time of Gladiator, confessed that when he starts a new film he sits in front of his computer thinking "I'm a complete fraud and I'm going to get found out". I realised that I wasn't the only one that felt like that.

[James Steele]

I took great comfort when Hans Zimmer, in an interview around the time of Gladiator, confessed that when he starts a new film he sits in front of his computer thinking "I'm a complete fraud and I'm going to get found out". I realised that I wasn't the only one that felt like that.

Amen. We think... we assume... from a distance that others are more deserving sometimes. They're not. They just may have the advantage of believing they are. That's more than half the battle. I've run into more people who generally suck ass and are so convince that their $%^& doesn't stink, it's amazing. And they can con those around them into buying into it sometimes. Sometimes questioning these things is perfectly normal and simply means one is not an insufferable, ego-centric, boor. True, the world seems to belong to these folks, but I still wouldn't want to be one of them.

[jroadrage]

I'm glad that you brought this up, I think that most composers if they're being honest with themselves would have to admit to at least a few fleeting moments of self doubt. I know I can't sit down in front of an empty DP6 file or page of sketch paper without them. Even Jerry Goldsmith was met with similar apprehension when he started every project, and if his list of accolades and peer recognition wasn't enough to reassure him than I don't know what chance any of us stand.

I think there's some truth to the notion that it takes a level of understanding within any discipline to fully appreciate all of your shortcomings, "the more you learn the less you know..." axiom. With the greater understanding of any medium comes a heightened awareness of the skill and creativity that goes into its conception and creation. I remember hearing Ravel's Daphne et Chloe when I first became interested in orchestral music and being more intrigued than impressed, then I started to study harmony, counterpoint and orchestration more intently and now not only do I enjoy it more, whenever I open up the score or listen to the piece I'm flatout awestruck by it. It would seem to be something of a cosmic wedgie that the ambition to develop your own skills leads to fully appreciating the gap between your own and the masters.

Comparing yourself to anyone else, in this field in particular where there's no shortage of other's insecurities and ego, is a short road towards ulcers and underemployment. I say if you enjoy it and your clients happily accept it then sleep easy, and by the way, doing the work is the best practice out there, there's no substitute for that. Filling in the gaps with critical listening, ear training, harmony, engineering etc. are all important but no amount of swings in the cage get you ready for an at bat.

[jroadrage]

Amen. We think... we assume... from a distance that others are more deserving sometimes. They're not. They just may have the advantage of believing they are. That's more than half the battle. I've run into more people who generally suck ass and are so convince that their $%^& doesn't stink, it's amazing. And they can con those around them into buying into it sometimes. Sometimes questioning these things is perfectly normal and simply means one is not an insufferable, ego-centric, boor. True, the world seems to belong to these folks, but I still wouldn't want to be one of them.

I went to seminar that Tommy Tallarico (one of the biggest names in video game music for those of you who don't know of him) gave a few years back when I was just getting started and he said something I'll never forget and still struggle with:

"I've met hundreds of really talented composers who are barely scraping by writing 15 hours a day, six days a week but I've NEVER met one composer, talent or no, who is a very good, aggressive networker and self-seller who isn't making four times what they do only writing a quarter of the music." (or something like that)

Sound familiar to anyone?

[Jim]

Danny Elfman was a high-school dropout, with no real musical training.

[MIDI Life Crisis]

What an insecure and honest bunch we are! I'll add my 2 cents.

Frodo says it all: What do you want to be? If you enjoy creating (AKA composing) music and people like what they hear, you're a composer - - although not in the ivory tower, classical sense, perhaps.

I've made a decent living as a composer and nothing else for the most part since 1976. Guess what - I'm not a great sight reader either. I struggle with it every day and practice reading every day. But I started playing piano late (about 17 years old) and my synapses are slow to connect those dots. I'm much better at it than I was 10 years ago (one of my 10 year plans... ) but I'm no A-list player when it comes to sight reading. Improv is another story. FWIW, I've also done a fair amount of graphics but would NEVER consider my self a graphics designer. I'm "good" at it, but I'm not trained and just throw images around like I'm making a shish-kabob.

The feeling that one is a fraud at the beginning (and sometimes the ending) of a project is nothing new. Tchaikovsky used to think (after every piece) that he had no more music in him. I used to get an odd feeling when I got a deposit for a new work. OMG! How will I ever think of ANYTHING. But that's your rational brain talking. We don't make or listen to music with our rational brain - we use our lizard brain (which I also use to tap into a better sight reading place, BTW). I find if I concentrate less, I read better. The more I relax, I read even better. Just like a lizard who can just sit there for days and wait for a nice meal to pass by.

I guess I should also mention I am not trained as a composer or even as a pianist to any great degree. I'm a drummer gone bad. And I didn't start out thinking I wanted to be some great composer - although the fantasy has crossed my mind a few times. I played because I loved it and could do it reasonably well. Essentially, I "started out" writing songs on a guitar.

I generally end up in projects that others would not touch with a 10 foot pole. Often they pay poorly because the clients don't have funds to hire a "big" name or the project calls for something "strange." That turned into a 'niche' and as a result I have work.

RULE #1: Unless it's with terrible people on a horrid project or, sometimes, no money is involved - NEVER turn down work. If someone asks you to score something, do it! You never know how things will end up unless you try. Don't be afraid to fail as miserably as Stravinsky did in the premiere of "The Rite of Spring."

RULE #2: Follow your heart and your instincts. Take some time to think about the project and then just 'do it.' Don't forget Duke Ellington's comment: If it sounds good; it is good.

Truer words were never spoken.

Creativity is not a monopoly held by 'professionals.' It can crop up anywhere in anyone and for me that is a big part of its beauty.

[Jim]

The feeling that one is a fraud at the beginning (and sometimes the ending) of a project is nothing new.

Watch the documentary "Heart of Darkness" about the making of Apocalypse Now. Coppola is clearly seen on camera speculating that this film is going to be an abject failure.

Good post, Mike.

[MIDI Life Crisis]

The feeling that one is a fraud at the beginning (and sometimes the ending) of a project is nothing new.

Watch the documentary "Heart of Darkness" about the making of Apocalypse Now. Coppola is clearly seen on camera speculating that this film is going to be an abject failure.

Good post, Mike.

Thanks. You know, there is a flip side to this. Often the folks who are sure they have a hit or are sure they are the next great composer, artist, etc., are just as often wrong about that as well. Ha! I guess true art comes with humility and insecurity to some degree. And then there's <name deleted> who's ego is the size of the Taj Mahal. Rich as a son of a bitch and so sure of himself. I HATE HIM! (Not really...)

BTW, did you know the guy who designed the Taj Mahal was blind? True!

[Tritonemusic]

Good post, Mike.

Indeed.

[Bill O'C]

A few years back, I was playing a new piece I wrote, and the the child from next door dropped by with some cookies from her mother. "Did you just make that up?" she asked. Deep down inside somehwere I bristled, then finally I smiled and said, "Yeah, it's just something I made up."

[FMiguelez]

.

Dear Mr. Quimper.

Back at college, I took a Sibelius class (about the COMPOSER, not the software). I don't know if the story I heard is accurate or not, but I was shocked to learn that him, one of the best symphonists that have walked this planet (to me at least) threw his last symphony to the fire place because he thought he was not good enough. He thought his symphony sucked in on of his drunken episodes. Can you believe it? We are talking about Jean Sibelius, here! Not good enough?

Jeeeeesssss. He had drinking problems, but apparently, his internal demons were stronger than him. He was extremely self-critical, to the point that it was crippling. He denied us humans to have the pleasure of listening to another one of his master pieces. What a terrible pity, and what a loss for us!

Being self-conscious (musically speaking) is always good, as long as it doesn't stop you from pursuing your art. It helps you to keep your feet on the ground... to an extent.

A lot of great musicians have written up-thread so many truths! The fact that your clients keep asking you to write scores for them MUST mean something! They like your music. You MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT, don't you think?

Thank you for opening your heart to us in such an honest way. That speaks very highly of you, my friend. And I know a LOT of very talented people who always think they are not good enough (in other professional areas). My girlfriend's nephew comes to mind. Despite the fact that he has been in the honor table since he was in kinder-garden, that he has graduated with honors, that he was among the top ten medical students in the country, he still insists he is a fraud. And nothing will make him change his mind. He studies like crazy, his mentors respect him thoroughly, his patients love him... but he feels he's a fraud.
Personally, I think his case is a little sad.

If it makes you feel better, go ahead and study more, if that's what you THINK will make you feel better. But if you already have clients who keep calling you to write music for them, and you barely have time to keep up with the demand, that means you are doing great! What else do you want? I don't think they are deaf!

Just keep doing what you obviously are doing right!

The feeling that one is a fraud at the beginning (and sometimes the ending) of a project is nothing new. Tchaikovsky used to think (after every piece) that he had no more music in him. I used to get an odd feeling when I got a deposit for a new work. OMG! How will I ever think of ANYTHING. But that's your rational brain talking. We don't make or listen to music with our rational brain...

Wow. The EXACT same feeling happens to me. Always that "fear"... I could not have said it better.

Brilliant writing, Michael.

[FMiguelez]

.

Oh, and I would LOVE to have this thread moved to the Composition forum, if that's ok with you and James.