The Longest, Most Inconsistently-Off-Topic Thread in History

[billf]

My secret is the banana

Okay, because you are unofficially officially back, can you tell us about your new endeavor, as seen over at chimp.net:

[monkey man]

Oh Billy... you've wasted no time in presenting one of your now-infamous journalistic poop-scoopers... I mean, scoop-prompters. As has always been the case, I shan't let you down, although I'm seriously pressed for time right now:

The secret is valves. Foofa valves, highfalutin' valves, one-way valves, poo-toob valves, tubular valves and so on. It's not just the valves you use; it's the valves you don't use, as well as the combination of said unused valves.

Another innovation is MonkeyLabs™ RollingBitDepth™ OS for benchtops, treetops and mandibular systems. It cleverly takes the flavour and number of valves employed at any one time into account, and applies the perfect injection of just the right amount of old-school bit reduction to the various active processes in play, whilst also prioritising audio and graphic enhancement (sepia tones are all the rage in Jungleville at the moment).

Well, that's about it in a nutshell. It's a giant, throbbing, valvey, PoweredByPotassium™ (sourced from banana skins) beastie worthy of the Jungleville Hall of Fame. Haven't sold any units yet, but once the proletariate has scraped its collective jaw off the ground I expect to rake it in big-time. MonkeyLabs Industries™ will be back on the map.

Nice bit of poop… I mean, scoop journalism there, as always, Billy!

Gotta run - mucho bananas await yours truly at the local shops and it's gonna get dark soon...

[monkey man]

Well, I felt bad that I wasn't able to deliver the typical response quantastitty-wise, Billy; I really did have to scoot off on foot to the shops. Hopefully this long-awaited MonkeyLabs™ product update for Q2 2013 will provide some relief to your doubtlessly-starved-of-all-things-monkey receptors:

3rd World March By Series™
3rd World March By - Movement Three - Holus Bolus
3rd World March By - Movement Four - The Bowel Movement
3rd World March By - Movement Five - Himalayan Hemorrhoids Collection - Inspired by sitting on my arse on icy rocks whilst a local mob of sound engineers and buffoons tried to prepare the mic path for the march by (a moving, er, movement)

Sample Packs
MonkeyLabs 8bit Looped Cricket Collection™

Monkey Books
MonkeyNuts Public Presentation Manual™
MonkeyBlame Suite™ - Solutions for a Cyclical World - Paper put out in 2007 and broken down by the elements

MonkeyLabs™ Addictions Pak™
1 Addiction for 1 year is now a crazy $995
2 Addictions for 1 year is reduced to $1989.90, a real-world saving of a whopping 10 cents
3 Addictions saves a further 10 cents, and so on

MonkeyLabs™ Expressions Pak™
$995 for 1 expression's once-a-day usage for 6 months
$1989.95 for 2 expressions' once-a-day usage for 6 months, a saving of 5¢
$995 extra for every expression added

MonkeyLabs™ KleanUp Expressions Pak™
Vacuosity™ - A measure of the negative pressure within one's brain
Vacuoso™ - A descriptive term reserved for vacvets™ such as myself
Vacvet™ - See above
Vacuvermin™ - Unwanted (usually alive) sundry vacuees™, an inevitable product of time and money constraints, unfortunately
Vacuees™ - See above
Vacuous Vacuousing Vacvet™ or VVV - That'd be me

The KleanUp Expressions Pak™ allows unlimited use of all MonkeyKleanup™ terms during post-flinging restoration and cleaning operations for a period not exceeding 6 months*
*Duration of contract subject to daily review

MonkeyLabs™ Komplete Kollektion™
All Paks in one, with the following bonus inclusions:

Monkey Sessions™ DVD set for MachFive™
Monkey Sessions™ DVD set for MachFive comprising selected volumes from the 3rd World March By series
Monkey Sessions™ Sounds of Nature - The PooInducement Collection™

MonkeyLabs™ Devices & Poo-ducts
MonkeyLabs 8bit BS Detector™
MonkeyLabs ReKelvinator™ Supercooling Fridge™
MonkeyLabs Poosonality Reconstructor/Poondefecator™
MonkeyLabs MeatPress™ Mk II - Compact & Store Offline
MonkeyLabs Legislation Prefabulator™ - Legislate on the fly
MonkeyLabs Magnetised, Antipoopoolarised Dedefecation Gel™
MonkeyLabs™ EarPlusOne™ Plugs - Multipurpose orifice stoppers
MonkeyLabs Kaleidospecs™ - See patterns when they're not even there
MonkeyLabs Able 'Cause Abacus™ - Also available in IvoryBead Edition™
MonkeyLabs Toilet Tissues™ - Almost-past-wipe-by date bargains available
MonkeyLabs 5-Way-Ganged Vacuoso System™ - Available with signed skid mark
MonkeyLabs Holographic PornGrinder™ - Turn the handle and experience a 3D stripper
MonkeyLabs Debunkulating Reconfabulator™ - Reconstruct ancient texts without the need for hermeneutical skills
MonkeyLabs Controlled Phase Distortion Transmutational™ (CPDT™) Device, featuring the Return to Now™ button
MonkeyLabs DaysOfYore Universal Transformational ReconFangulator™ - Enjoy craftsmanship of old from cheap Chinese imports

MonkeyLabs Compoonation Poomangelator™:
The Compoonation™ module collates all associated variables and computes metadata
The Poomangelator™ then sequences and renders all possibilities based on the metadata generated by the Compoonation™ module

MonkeyLabs™ Depooperising Cleandefecator System™:
Comprises the MonkeyLabs™ 5-Way-Ganged Vacuoso System™ - Available with signed skid mark, and the MonkeyLabs™ Magnetised Antipoopularised Dedefecation Gel™

MonkeyLabs™ Computer Hardware
MonkeyLabs 8Bit MonkeyMemory™ module
MonkeyLabs 8Bit Benchtop™ personal computer
MonkeyLabs RealWorld Rendering Module™ - Included with MonkeyOS v1.3
MonkeyLabs SuperMultimedia Flippers™ - Swim through the ether at near-light speeds
MonkeyLabs Lackintosh Super-Mandibular Array™ - Highfalutin' valves, one-way valves, poo-toob valves, tubular valves and so on

MonkeyLabs™ Computer Software
MonkeyHouse Software™
MonkeyOS™ v1.3 for 8bit hardware
Run MonkeyLabs 8bit BS Detector™ virtually as a HeyYou plug-in
MonkeyLabs™ RollingBitDepth™ OS for benchtops, treetops and mandibular systems
MonkeySandScript Hieroglyphics™ v1.1, available as a language system component update for MonkeyOS™ v1.2 onwards

Software Download Instructions:
MonkeyLabs Virtual™ 8Bit BS Detector™ software for Monkey OS v1.1 or later, as well as MonkeySandScript Hieroglyphics™ v1.1 and the latest version of MonkeyOS™ can be downloaded here:

http://www.monkeyOS.com

If you click the coder's head during any of the brief (a millisecond or two) intervals during which the sleepy Zs have disappeared, you're in. It's then a simple matter of filling out the full disclosure form in which your family and financial histories, DNA and psychological profiles, social networks, habits and dietary regimes will be assessed. An email confirming your acceptance will be forwarded within 18 months of the date of submission.

MonkeyLabs™ Miscellaneous
MonkeyLabs '53 Vintage Vindaloo Vent Vomit™
MonkeyLabs CellPooClear™ - Detoxification supplement
MonkeyLabs MoodBuster Transient After-Dinner Perception Cookie™
E-Steamed Grand Poobah of Pooparazzi™ Award - consistently goes to Billy
MonkeyLabs Poomunition™: Regular™, Large™, Poomungous™ and new MicroPoo™ developed by the MonkeyLabs™ Miniapoosation Poogramme™

MonkeyLabs™ Miscellaneous Phrases
BarfRankGear - Well known Geranium budget pooducts
Poopetual practice of poosistent poojectile poomunition pooliferation - This one's free, folks. Experience a taste of the world that is a legitimately-licensed MonkeyLabs™ Expressions Pak™

Ordering and Payment
Orders and Customer Service
MonkeyMail Service™
MonkeyLabs™ Pty Ltd
Jungleville
Call toll-free, 29/7, on 1800-MONKEY

Hope this helps.

[billf]

Hopefully this long-awaited MonkeyLabs™ product update for Q2 2013 will provide some relief to your doubtlessly-starved-of-all-things-monkey receptors:

**List of Features**

Hope this helps.

Is DP snappier on it?

BTW, here are some of the industry reactions to the Lack Pro:

"It's huge."

Bill Gates

"It takes up a village... literally"

Sir Edmund Hillary

"It's retro"

Devo

"It comes with its own room addition"

Steve Wozniak

[monkey man]

Ha ha ha! Too funny, Billy. High praise indeed.

Yeah, DP's snappier on it, although it's a specially-licensed Jungleville edition and of course all those valves in the MonkeyLabs Lackintosh Super-Mandibular Array™ mean valve-warmth, overdrive and even tape-simulation plug-ins are no longer necessary.

Signing off for the day [Jungleville Eastern Central Jungle Time].

[twistedtom]

Dam that is a lot of Monkey Lab products!

[twistedtom]

I hate red lights! Why can't they make them work right? Stopping to let poeple out of a shopping center when there is no one at the red light P's me off.

[bayswater]

They need motion sensors and metal detectors.

[HCMarkus]

It's a giant, throbbing, valvey, PoweredByPotassium™ (sourced from banana skins) beastie

Formerly known as PPC!

[twistedtom]

It is called the passing lane for a reason!

[monkey man]

Yup, Baysey's right - they need motion sensors and metal detectors; there's no other way, really.

It's a classic yet ubiquitous scene, that of the lonesome vehicle waiting at a set of red lights at 3AM with nothing but the MonkeyLabs 8bit Looped Cricket Collection™ for company.

[billf]

Monkey Sessions™ DVD set for MachFive™

Does this work on MachFive 3?

[monkey man]

ever since I landed a job as dunny cleaner and toiletmeister extraordinaire at MOTU, I've been able to guarantee even pre-release compatibility with MachFive for all MonkeyLabs™ sample products. I nail it every time, which should come as no surplrise as everyone knows I'm a release (and cleanup) expert.

It brings a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat every time the 3rd World March By Series™ well, passes me by on my MonkeyLabs™ ∞:1 Surrounded™ system. Nothing quite beats the eerie, dusty, breezy quiet of the mountainous areas of Afghanistan. The intrigue, the desolation... the pathos. Can't be beat IMHO, and this intangible alone makes any of the 3rd World March By Series™ worth the price of admission... to a public dunny at least.

Master of computorial thingamajigs I may be, but I somehow managed to lose what I thought was an impressively-hilarious response, Billy. Hope the alternative effort meets your requirements, and I'm seriously sorry for losing the fully-specced reply.

Bad Monkey!

[bayswater]

Nothing quite beats the eerie, dusty, breezy quiet of the mountainous areas of Afghanistan. The intrigue, the desolation... the pathos. Can't be beat IMHO, and this intangible alone makes any of the 3rd World March By Series™ worth the price of admission...

Don't believe a word of it. Monkey promised to take the marching band to Kazakstan last summer. Several cruise ships changed course to attend, and he never showed up.

[monkey man]

Uuuggghhh... not the Kazakhstan thing again. I wish everyone would leave me alone!

I mean, I've coughed up a year's supply of bananas to all the cruise ships involved, sent eMails to all inconvenienced with my personal apology, and it's still not enough. There's always another whiner.

Here's the deal: I don't regret it for a second, and if I had the chance to stand 'em up again, I would do so. No amount of bananas and apologies can be as painful to me as when that bouncer in Kazakhstan famously inserted part of a bagpipe and miscellaneous marching-band equipment into the keyster's Monkster. Yeah, yeah... go on... laugh it up; I've been in the somewhat unique position of having experienced first-hand the collective ridicule of the masses... everywhere. I figure if I never return to the country, it won't happen again and folks will eventually forget about it.

Lucky I'm plannin' on livin' a long time and there are plenty of 3rd-World-March-By candidates in the pipeline.