The Longest, Most Inconsistently-Off-Topic Thread in History

[billf]

all things simian

There are only two things that are important to the Monkey: music and bananas.

[terrybritton]

Terry, my dear policeman, the title of the thread deems it be inconsistently-off-topic, so IMHO it is indeed within the rules to post on-topic musings in bursts of varying lengths. No moderator required thanks to the incontestable parameters laid down therein.

The only time we'd be on topic is if we discuss "The Longest, Most Inconsistently-Off-Topic Thread in History". Terry was doing just that, and was on topic, and therefore, off topic. This point, on the other hand, is off topic and is therefore, on topic. More here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gödel%27s ... s_theorems

Now I'm afraid to post in here at all! :-p

But, if I did discuss the inconsistency of that being on-topic and conversely implied that ... wait ... my head is trying to explode....

So, this thread is immune from both topic-police AND from off-topic police is what you are saying?

Terry

[bayswater]

Discussion about the police is off topic. Or was until you mentioned it. I'm wondering if pre-gen will stop working when Meltdown and Spectre get fixed.

[Phil O]

And now, something completely different.

Wait... Is that on or off topic?

[kassonica]

Hey Monkey Man good to see you still posting ole trout...


Happy new year

[monkey man]

Thanks brother M. Glad you're still around too.

Hey, how are your Opals going, mate? And the missus?

all things simian

There are only two things that are important to the Monkey: music and bananas.

Always on-the-ball, eh Billy? You know me better than I know my simian self.

And now, something completely different.

Wait... Is that on or off topic?

I think it's off-topic, which makes it on-topic, Phil-O-Buster.

Discussion about the police is off topic. Or was until you mentioned it.

... and it was on-topic before he even mentioned it Stoivo, 'cause off-topic = on-topic in this thread.

Terry, my dear policeman, the title of the thread deems it be inconsistently-off-topic, so IMHO it is indeed within the rules to post on-topic musings in bursts of varying lengths. No moderator required thanks to the incontestable parameters laid down therein.

The only time we'd be on topic is if we discuss "The Longest, Most Inconsistently-Off-Topic Thread in History". Terry was doing just that, and was on topic, and therefore, off topic. This point, on the other hand, is off topic and is therefore, on topic. More here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gödel%27s ... s_theorems

Now I'm afraid to post in here at all! :-p

But, if I did discuss the inconsistency of that being on-topic and conversely implied that ... wait ... my head is trying to explode....

So, this thread is immune from both topic-police AND from off-topic police is what you are saying?

Terry

Let me try to get my head around this, Terry.

Yes, I think it is immune.

Here's a thought: You could post about your head trying to explode. I waited in keeping with your instruction, and am keen to hear a status update.

[terrybritton]

But, if I did discuss the inconsistency of that being on-topic and conversely implied that ... wait ... my head is trying to explode....

So, this thread is immune from both topic-police AND from off-topic police is what you are saying?

Terry

Let me try to get my head around this, Terry.

Yes, I think it is immune.

Here's a thought: You could post about your head trying to explode. I waited in keeping with your instruction, and am keen to hear a status update.

My head tried its darndest to explode, but in the end it did not. I'll explain:

First, there was this odd sensation of swelling near the temples, just above them and closer to my ears. As my concern mounted, a curious rippling effect began at the top of my forehead as if blood was gurgling through a tight orifice up there. Then the tingling began at the top of my head, and the tips of my ears began to feel like they were radiating electricity, as if a mild Tesla Coil had been attached to them. Racing to check whether indeed there were any sparks of lightening emerging from those, as I approached the mirror it suddenly performed an odd twist, its rectangular form distorting - but only for a moment. Watching in astonishment in the mirror, I squeezed my nostrils closed with my fingers and blew - hard! Suddenly there was a popping sound, as if the atmospheric pressure had been the cause. I looked over at my computer and this thread had updated itself ... again ... and that is when I realized it was the atmosphere of the entire thread that I had allowed to give me a sensation that I was now pressured to write something wholly irrelevant! I did so, and almost immediately all of the symptoms and odd phenomena I had experienced subsided or disappeared altogether. So, just keep that in mind.

Wasn't peanut butter with bananas supposed to be a cure-all for almost everything? I cannot stand even thinking about it anymore! (Wait... that odd pressure and tingling is ... no, false alarm.)

Terry

[bayswater]

Blowing your nose always works; just keep your eyes closed.

[terrybritton]

Blowing your nose always works; just keep your eyes closed.

Ahhhh!

Terry

[cuttime]

Then the tingling began at the top of my head, and the tips of my ears began to feel like they were radiating electricity, as if a mild Tesla Coil had been attached to them.
Terry

I wish I had one of those.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Snibt3CNqBA

[monkey man]

But, if I did discuss the inconsistency of that being on-topic and conversely implied that ... wait ... my head is trying to explode....

So, this thread is immune from both topic-police AND from off-topic police is what you are saying?

Terry

Let me try to get my head around this, Terry.

Yes, I think it is immune.

Here's a thought: You could post about your head trying to explode. I waited in keeping with your instruction, and am keen to hear a status update.

My head tried its darndest to explode, but in the end it did not. I'll explain:

First, there was this odd sensation of swelling near the temples, just above them and closer to my ears. As my concern mounted, a curious rippling effect began at the top of my forehead as if blood was gurgling through a tight orifice up there. Then the tingling began at the top of my head, and the tips of my ears began to feel like they were radiating electricity, as if a mild Tesla Coil had been attached to them. Racing to check whether indeed there were any sparks of lightening emerging from those, as I approached the mirror it suddenly performed an odd twist, its rectangular form distorting - but only for a moment. Watching in astonishment in the mirror, I squeezed my nostrils closed with my fingers and blew - hard! Suddenly there was a popping sound, as if the atmospheric pressure had been the cause. I looked over at my computer and this thread had updated itself ... again ... and that is when I realized it was the atmosphere of the entire thread that I had allowed to give me a sensation that I was now pressured to write something wholly irrelevant! I did so, and almost immediately all of the symptoms and odd phenomena I had experienced subsided or disappeared altogether. So, just keep that in mind.

Wasn't peanut butter with bananas supposed to be a cure-all for almost everything? I cannot stand even thinking about it anymore! (Wait... that odd pressure and tingling is ... no, false alarm.)

Terry

Yes! The thread cures!

Yeah, I think peanut butter and banana is a great combo, especially for an ape. Peanut butter and jam (jello in 'Merican Speak™) or with anything sweet seems to work as if the partnership was meant to bee... honey is a classic, too IMHO.

So glad your head is still intact, Terry.

[monkey man]

MLI Product Update Q1 2018

3rd-World March-By Series™
3rd-World March-By - Movement Three - Holus Bolus
3rd-World March-By - Movement Four - The Bowel Movement
3rd-World March-By - Movement Five - Himalayan Hemorrhoids Collection

Sample Packs
MonkeyLabs 8bit Looped Cricket Collection™

Monkey Books
MonkeyNuts Public Presentation Manual™
MonkeyBlame Suite™ - Solutions for a Cyclical World

MonkeyLabs Addictions Pak™
1 Addiction for 1 year is now a crazy $995
2 Addictions for 1 year is reduced to $1989.90, a real-world saving of a whopping 10 cents
3 Addictions saves a further 10 cents, and so on

MonkeyLabs Expressions Pak™
$995 for 1 expression's once-a-day usage for 6 months
$1989.95 for 2 expressions' once-a-day usage for 6 months, a saving of 5¢
$994.90 extra for every expression added

MonkeyLabs KleanUp Expressions Pak™
Vacuosity™ - A measure of the negative pressure within one's brain
Vacuoso™ - A descriptive term reserved for vacvets™ such as myself
Vacvet™ - See above
Vacuvermin™ - Unwanted (usually alive) sundry vacuees™, an inevitable by-product of time and money constraints, unfortunately
Vacuees™ - See above
Vacuous Vacuousing Vacvet™ or VVV - That'd be me

The KleanUp Expressions Pak™ allows unlimited use of all MonkeyKleanup™ terms during post-flinging restoration and cleaning operations for a period not exceeding 6 months*
*Duration of contract subject to daily review

MonkeyLabs Komplete Kollektion™
All Paks in one, with the following bonus inclusions:

Monkey Sessions™ DVD set for MachFive™
Monkey Sessions™ DVD set for MachFive™ comprising selected volumes from the 3rd World March By series
Monkey Sessions™ Sounds of Nature - The PooInducement Collection™

MonkeyLabs™ Devices & Poo-ducts
MonkeyLabs 8bit BS Detector™
MonkeyLabs ReKelvinator™ Supercooling Fridge™
MonkeyLabs Poosonality Reconstructor/Poondefecator™
MonkeyLabs MeatPress™ Mk II - Compact & Store Offline
MonkeyLabs Legislation Prefabulator™ - Legislate on-the-fly
MonkeyLabs Magnetised, Antipoopoolarised Dedefecation Gel™
MonkeyLabs EarPlusOne™ Plugs - Multipurpose orifice stoppers
MonkeyLabs Kaleidospecs™ - See patterns when they're not even there
MonkeyLabs Able 'Cause Abacus™ - Also available in IvoryBead Edition™
MonkeyLabs Toilet Tissues™ - Almost-past-wipe-by-date bargains available
MonkeyLabs 5-Way-Ganged Vacuoso System™ - Available with signed skid mark
MonkeyLabs Holographic PornGrinder™ - Turn the handle and experience a 3D stripper
MonkeyLabs HairSplitter Pro™ - Operates like a sausage machine. Hair in one end, split hairs out of the other
MonkeyLabs Debunkulating Reconfabulator™ - Reconstruct ancient texts without the need for hermeneutical skills
MonkeyLabs Controlled Phase Distortion Transmutational™ (CPDT™) Device, featuring the Return to Now™ button
MonkeyLabs DaysOfYore Universal Transformational ReconFangulator™ - Enjoy craftsmanship of old from cheap Chinese imports
MonkeyLabs Scatopult Deluxe™ - The most-furious flinger on the planet. Just penetrate the atmosphere, and your excrement will make a lunar landing… eventually.

MonkeyLabs EyeBolt PWS™:
Compact, personal weather system which acts as an aid to effective communification
Real-time weather <-> emotion synchronisation
Inversion option (sunny when sad / cloudy when happy) - baffle your friends and confuse your enemas whilst stabilising your moods
WYFLY HintAFace - The most surreptushtittydelicious bi-directional communification poopycool ever!

MonkeyLabs Compoonation Poomangelator™:
The Compoonation™ module collates all associated variables and computes metadata
The Poomangelator™ then sequences and renders all possibilities based on the metadata generated by the Compoonation™ module

MonkeyLabs Depooperising Cleandefecator System™:
Comprises the MonkeyLabs 5-Way-Ganged Vacuoso System™ - Available with signed skid mark, and the MonkeyLabs Magnetised Antipoopularised Dedefecation Gel™

MonkeyLabs™ Computer Hardware
MonkeyLabs 8Bit MonkeyMemory™ module
MonkeyLabs 8Bit Benchtop™ personal computer
MonkeyLabs RealWorld Rendering Module™ - Included with MonkeyOS v1.3
MonkeyLabs SuperMultimedia Flippers™ - Swim through the ether at near-light speeds
MonkeyLabs Lackintosh Super-Mandibular Array™ - Highfalutin' valves, one-way valves, poo-toob valves, tubular valves and so on

MonkeyLabs™ Computer Software
MonkeyHouse Software™
MonkeyOS™ v1.3 for 8bit hardware
MonkeyLabs Virtual 8bit BS Detector™ - run it as a HeyYou plug-in
MonkeyLabs RollingBitDepth™ OS for benchtops, treetops and mandibular systems
MonkeyLabs MonkeySandScript Hieroglyphics™ v1.1, available as a language system component update for MonkeyOS™
MonkeyLabs Grammar Detective™ - Now available with full MonkeyOS™ integration. Keep your peers on their toes... or hands.
MonkeyLabs Digital Preformer™ - Jungleville's only direct competitor, and long-awaited alternative to Mandarin Systems™ iLogic™

Software Download Instructions
MonkeyLabs Virtual 8Bit BS Detector™ software for Monkey OS v1.1 or later, as well as MonkeySandScript Hieroglyphics™ v1.1 and the latest version of MonkeyOS™ can be downloaded here:

http://www.monkeyOS.com

If you click the coder's head during any of the brief (a millisecond or two) intervals during which the sleepy Zs have disappeared, you're in. It's then a simple matter of filling out the full disclosure form in which your family and financial histories, DNA and psychological profiles, social networks, habits and dietary regimes will be assessed. An email confirming your acceptance will be forwarded within 18 months of the date of submission.

MonkeyLabs™ Miscellaneous
MonkeyLabs '53 Vintage Vindaloo Vent Vomit™
MonkeyLabs CellPooClear™ - Detoxidefemacation supplement
MonkeyLabs MoodBuster Transient After-Dinner Perception Cookie™
E-Steamed Grand Poobah of Pooparazzi™ Award - consistently goes to Billy
MonkeyLabs MoodMellower Chill Pill™ - Every company’s gotta offer one, so try ours… if you dare…
MonkeyLabs Poomunition™: Regular™, Large™, Poomungous™ and new MicroPoo™ developed by the MonkeyLabs Miniapoosation Poogramme™

MonkeyLabs™ Miscellaneous Phrases
Poopetual practice of poosistent poojectile poomunition pooliferation - This one's free, folks. Experience a taste of the world that is a legitimately-licensed MonkeyLabs™ Expressions Pak™

On-site Services
MonkeyLabs Industries KleanUp Krew™ - Any poo, any time, anywhere.

Ordering and Payment
Orders and Customer Service
MonkeyMail Service™
MonkeyLabs™ Industries Pty Ltd
Jungleville
Call toll-free, 29/7, on 1800-MONKEY

[bayswater]

MonkeyLabs Virtual 8Bit BS Detector™ software for Monkey OS v1.1 or later

Here in Vancouver we we're hoping for an update to the Two-Bit BS Detector in time for our upcoming mayoralty election.

[mikehalloran]

Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas today...

[monkey man]

MonkeyLabs Virtual 8Bit BS Detector™ software for Monkey OS v1.1 or later

Here in Vancouver we we're hoping for an update to the Two-Bit BS Detector in time for our upcoming mayoralty election.

You should be able to get away with a 1-bit detector running back-of-napkin software in such situations, Stoivo. Just sayin'.

The MLI Virtual 8Bit BS Detector's refined-enough to be able to weed out trolls after they utter a mere few words, which isn't bad for software IMHO...