The Longest, Most Inconsistently-Off-Topic Thread in History

[cleamon]

Snakes don't have armpits.

[bayswater]

Armpits don't have snakes.

[Shooshie]

Armpits don't have snakes.

Have you been intimate with the girls of southern France?

Just curious; Based on your reply, I say probably not.

Shoosh

[bayswater]

Not all of them, no.

[Shooshie]

Not all of them, no.

[monkey man]

You guys are too funny.

Smart meters have ended up in the courts here. The result is that people can refuse to have them, and a very small number have, but they have to pay to have the old meters read.

More than happy to pay for it to be read. Proposed that long ago. No dice. Apparently, what the government said goes.

What I'd give to be able to have my day in court, Stoiv. Oh man, what I'd give. Hopefully something gets going here too. You never know.

Have you thought about shielding it somehow. Some sort of modified Faraday cage or somethin'?

Of course, OhSophy One!

When I've the courage (to spend that time on top of the ruddy thing), I intend to duct-tape (is that a voib?) aluminium foil over its rear (again, no jokes please... oh what the heck; I've no right to request this).

This'll hopefully reduce the radiation reaching the centre and rear of the house. Unfortunately the bedrooms and music room are more-or-less parallel to the mounting plane. Given that high audio frequencies are more directional than lows, it'd be great if this were the case with microwaves. They're electro-magnetic, aren't they? If they're "sound" waves, this just might work. If they're directional, regardless of their nature, I'll be able to avoid them most of the time except for when I have to use the front door, need to turn the Mac on or venture behind the desk to adjust cables, speaker positions or whatever... or grab a guitar, but that's not likely to happen any time soon! LOL

I'm actually quite excited about the foil idea. I've obviously had it for a long time, but the situation didn't seem quite so urgent until now.

Experienced a little relief by avoiding specified areas completely yesterday. Swelling had reduced some, but is already on its way back up and I've only been in here 20 minutes.

Logged on today to delete the post where I hypocritically whined about my health when barely a month ago I said I wouldn't. I s'pose I'd not envisaged "3rd-party" interference in this regard, meaning that I didn't (and don't) want to whinge about my long-term health problems. Mind you, now that I think of it, it seems they were all set into motion by a vaccination reaction, followed by mercury and subsequently several other heavy-metal poisonings, then pushing too hard at my first job (unavoidable if I was to keep it), then deaths, betrayal and insanity of and by friends, a plethora of family issues and so on... all of which weren't of my doing.

Sorry to harp on like this. Nevertheless, in light of what I've just realised, I'm going to leave the post there as it might serve to help empower yours truly; the government and power companies can deservedly be blamed IMHO. Pathetic, I know, but I'll take any confidence boost I can get, even if I have to spell it out myself!

Geez. Head and neck aches increasing too. I'd love to post some more and try to help someone, but dammit, I'm going to have to shoot through. This is ridiculous.

Love you all, and thank you for being who you are!

EDIT: Can't resist a quick look at the active topics. What a hypocrite, eh?

[monkey man]

Limiting time spent to half an hour every 2nd or 3rd day. Seems to be working already. Swelling almost gone, but headache obviously doesn't take much to keep rollin', kinda like those wheels African kids used to play with when I was a kid - you'd find anything that, well, rolled, and tap it with a stick to keep it flowin'.

The headache is the wheel, and the meter the stick. OK, it was obvious, but hey, I can't think straight right now.

So glad I don't have to abandon my beloved 'Cornies altogether for yet another extended period. Yay!

See y'all soon.

[Shooshie]

Limiting time spent to half an hour every 2nd or 3rd day. Seems to be working already. Swelling almost gone, but headache obviously doesn't take much to keep rollin', kinda like those wheels African kids used to play with when I was a kid - you'd find anything that, well, rolled, and tap it with a stick to keep it flowin'.

The headache is the wheel, and the meter the stick. OK, it was obvious, but hey, I can't think straight right now.

So glad I don't have to abandon my beloved 'Cornies altogether for yet another extended period. Yay!

See y'all soon.

Dude, I may not understand all that you go through, but the headache is something I am painfully familiar with. Maybe it's the computers causing them? I have no idea, but I've been getting them pretty much daily since about 1988. If I let them get too far before doing something about it, they'll put me out of commission for half a day or more, and I'm talking about the screaming, writhing, burying my head under a pillow kind. I rarely let them get that far these days, but if I do, I'll pray to anything that listens, ready to cut a deal if it'll just stop the freakin' pain. (So far, no takers on those deals.)

So... I'm glad you're getting a handle on all this. Or a stick. Nobody deserves that.

Shoosh

[monkey man]

Thank you so much for your empathy, as always, 'Meister. Glad you can relate, bro'.

Just popped in for a "15-minuter".

Cheers.

[monkey man]

Well, it's been 18 months since the 2013 Q3 MLI Product update, so, inevitably, here's the latest. Get excited folks. My pockets are deep, and my arms short... for a simian.

MLI Product Update Q2 2015

3rd World March By Series™
3rd World March By - Movement Three - Holus Bolus
3rd World March By - Movement Four - The Bowel Movement
3rd World March By - Movement Five - Himalayan Hemorrhoids Collection - Inspired by sitting on my arse on icy rocks whilst a local mob of sound engineers and buffoons tried to prepare the mic path for the march by (a moving, er, movement)

Sample Packs
MonkeyLabs 8bit Looped Cricket Collection™

Monkey Books
MonkeyNuts Public Presentation Manual™
MonkeyBlame Suite™ - Solutions for a Cyclical World

MonkeyLabs Addictions Pak™
1 Addiction for 1 year is now a crazy $995
2 Addictions for 1 year is reduced to $1989.90, a real-world saving of a whopping 10 cents
3 Addictions saves a further 10 cents, and so on

MonkeyLabs Expressions Pak™
$995 for 1 expression's once-a-day usage for 6 months
$1989.95 for 2 expressions' once-a-day usage for 6 months, a saving of 5¢
$994.90 extra for every expression added

MonkeyLabs KleanUp Expressions Pak™
Vacuosity™ - A measure of the negative pressure within one's brain
Vacuoso™ - A descriptive term reserved for vacvets™ such as myself
Vacvet™ - See above
Vacuvermin™ - Unwanted (usually alive) sundry vacuees™, an inevitable by-product of time and money constraints, unfortunately
Vacuees™ - See above
Vacuous Vacuousing Vacvet™ or VVV - That'd be me

The KleanUp Expressions Pak™ allows unlimited use of all MonkeyKleanup™ terms during post-flinging restoration and cleaning operations for a period not exceeding 6 months*
*Duration of contract subject to daily review

MonkeyLabs Komplete Kollektion™
All Paks in one, with the following bonus inclusions:

Monkey Sessions™ DVD set for MachFive™
Monkey Sessions™ DVD set for MachFive™ comprising selected volumes from the 3rd World March By series
Monkey Sessions™ Sounds of Nature - The PooInducement Collection™

MonkeyLabs™ Devices & Poo-ducts
MonkeyLabs 8bit BS Detector™
MonkeyLabs ReKelvinator™ Supercooling Fridge™
MonkeyLabs Poosonality Reconstructor/Poondefecator™
MonkeyLabs MeatPress™ Mk II - Compact & Store Offline
MonkeyLabs Legislation Prefabulator™ - Legislate on the fly
MonkeyLabs Magnetised, Antipoopoolarised Dedefecation Gel™
MonkeyLabs EarPlusOne™ Plugs - Multipurpose orifice stoppers
MonkeyLabs Kaleidospecs™ - See patterns when they're not even there
MonkeyLabs Able 'Cause Abacus™ - Also available in IvoryBead Edition™
MonkeyLabs Toilet Tissues™ - Almost-past-wipe-by date bargains available
MonkeyLabs 5-Way-Ganged Vacuoso System™ - Available with signed skid mark
MonkeyLabs Holographic PornGrinder™ - Turn the handle and experience a 3D stripper
MonkeyLabs Debunkulating Reconfabulator™ - Reconstruct ancient texts without the need for hermeneutical skills
MonkeyLabs Controlled Phase Distortion Transmutational™ (CPDT™) Device, featuring the Return to Now™ button
MonkeyLabs DaysOfYore Universal Transformational ReconFangulator™ - Enjoy craftsmanship of old from cheap Chinese imports

MonkeyLabs EyeBolt PWS™:
Compact, personal weather system which acts as an aid to effective communification
Real-time weather <-> emotion synchronisation
Inversion option (sunny when sad / cloudy when happy) - baffle your friends and confuse your enemas whilst stabilising your moods
WYFLY HintAFace - The most surreptittydelicious bi-directional communification poopycool ever!

MonkeyLabs Compoonation Poomangelator™:
The Compoonation™ module collates all associated variables and computes metadata
The Poomangelator™ then sequences and renders all possibilities based on the metadata generated by the Compoonation™ module

MonkeyLabs Depooperising Cleandefecator System™:
Comprises the MonkeyLabs 5-Way-Ganged Vacuoso System™ - Available with signed skid mark, and the MonkeyLabs Magnetised Antipoopularised Dedefecation Gel™

MonkeyLabs™ Computer Hardware
MonkeyLabs 8Bit MonkeyMemory™ module
MonkeyLabs 8Bit Benchtop™ personal computer
MonkeyLabs RealWorld Rendering Module™ - Included with MonkeyOS v1.3
MonkeyLabs SuperMultimedia Flippers™ - Swim through the ether at near-light speeds
MonkeyLabs Lackintosh Super-Mandibular Array™ - Highfalutin' valves, one-way valves, poo-toob valves, tubular valves and so on

MonkeyLabs™ Computer Software
MonkeyHouse Software™
MonkeyOS™ v1.3 for 8bit hardware
MonkeyLabs Virtual 8bit BS Detector™ - run it as a HeyYou plug-in
MonkeyLabs RollingBitDepth™ OS for benchtops, treetops and mandibular systems
MonkeyLabs MonkeySandScript Hieroglyphics™ v1.1, available as a language system component update for MonkeyOS™
MonkeyLabs Grammar Detective™ - Now available with full MonkeyOS™ integration. Keep your peers on their toes... or hands.
MonkeyLabs Digital Preformer™ - Jungleville's only direct competitor, and long-awaited alternative to Mandarin Systems™ iLogic™


Software Download Instructions
MonkeyLabs Virtual 8Bit BS Detector™ software for Monkey OS v1.1 or later, as well as MonkeySandScript Hieroglyphics™ v1.1 and the latest version of MonkeyOS™ can be downloaded here:

http://www.monkeyOS.com

If you click the coder's head during any of the brief (a millisecond or two) intervals during which the sleepy Zs have disappeared, you're in. It's then a simple matter of filling out the full disclosure form in which your family and financial histories, DNA and psychological profiles, social networks, habits and dietary regimes will be assessed. An email confirming your acceptance will be forwarded within 18 months of the date of submission.

MonkeyLabs™ Miscellaneous
MonkeyLabs '53 Vintage Vindaloo Vent Vomit™
MonkeyLabs CellPooClear™ - Detoxidefemacation supplement
MonkeyLabs MoodBuster Transient After-Dinner Perception Cookie™
E-Steamed Grand Poobah of Pooparazzi™ Award - consistently goes to Billy
MonkeyLabs Poomunition™: Regular™, Large™, Poomungous™ and new MicroPoo™ developed by the MonkeyLabs Miniapoosation Poogramme™

MonkeyLabs™ Miscellaneous Phrases
BarfRankGear - Well known Geranium budget pooducts
Poopetual practice of poosistent poojectile poomunition pooliferation - This one's free, folks. Experience a taste of the world that is a legitimately-licensed MonkeyLabs™ Expressions Pak™

Ordering and Payment
Orders and Customer Service
MonkeyMail Service™
MonkeyLabs™ Industries Pty Ltd
Jungleville
Call toll-free, 29/7, on 1800-MONKEY

[Phil O]

Dude, you've got way too much free time.

[monkey man]

Doh! You weren't supposed to read it yet, oh Phil-O-Sophy-Cal One. I was still editing it when I hit "submit" instead of "preview".

Anyway, it's done now, so knock yourself out (again) and dare to dream of a house and life bursting at the seams with MonkeyLabs Greatness™.

Hmm... could be a new product line there, methinks. I'll pass that one on to the team...

[wylie1]

whose going to take the plunge on MonkeyOS™ v1.3
I've been quite happy with v1.0

[monkey man]

I told the dev team to take it easy on v1, but did they listen? Nooo. Instead, they cranked up the coconut coffee and MonkeyLabs MoodBuster Transient After-Dinner Perception Cookies™, and wound up concocting a near-poofect pooduct. Who has to pay the price now? Geez. The apes I hire...

Anyway, glad you're happy with v1.0, Mr. Coyote, and thank you for supporting MLI; your custom will be taken for granted.

[kassonica]

this thread still exists